How to Be Emotionally Available in Relationships
Emotional availability is a widely discussed topic nowadays and a highly desired quality in a partner. We’re hearing more and more that ‘so and so wasn’t emotionally available so it’s not going to work out, onto the next one’, and it seems the cycle just repeats itself.
Emotional availability is a key aspect of having and maintaining a healthy relationship. The “Are they emotionally available?” theme continuously circulates the online dating world, but what does it actually mean?
What Does Emotional Availability Mean?
Being emotionally available means that someone is ready and/or can make authentic emotional connections with others. There are many components to emotional availability, for example, expressing empathy and understanding, being fully present, and the willingness to express one´s feelings with others.
Another important aspect of emotional availability is being vulnerable. Vulnerability is difficult for many of us because there’s always a chance of rejection and judgment, and it’s scary. Being able to be honest and vulnerable with someone can open a path to a great connection.
Signs Someone is Emotionally Available
So, now that we know the meaning of emotional availability, how do we recognize it in a potential partner or girlfriend/boyfriend?
Here are some signs that someone is emotionally available:
Self-awareness
They understand themselves and their emotions. They recognize their strengths and weaknesses and reflect on them.
Open communication and vulnerability
They´re not afraid to be open and honest about their thoughts and feelings and do not shy away from doing so even in the face of potential judgment. They are comfortable remaining true to themselves and asking for help when needed.
Listen attentively and express empathy
They actively listen to you, express empathy toward you and your emotions, and offer support.
Healthy conflict resolution skills
When disagreements or conflicts come up, which they will, they handle them appropriately and effectively working toward a solution without becoming aggressive or defensive.
When someone is emotionally unavailable they struggle to be vulnerable, play games with others, and lack empathy and self-awareness.
Think of situations like canceling last minute, saying one thing and not following through, or being really intense initially then fading away more and more later on - these are all signs of a person who is not emotionally available.
Am I Emotionally Available?
Being emotionally available not only applies to others, it also applies to ourselves. Emotional availability doesn´t strictly apply to romantic relationships, it is also relevant to friendships.
If we are not emotionally available, how can we expect to have healthy and successful relationships or friendships?
Here are some green flags of emotional availability in yourself:
- You can reflect on your emotions and be honest with yourself through the uncomfortable feelings
- You can be vulnerable, and express your true feelings and needs effectively to others while staying true to yourself
- You respond to other´s emotions and feelings with compassion and empathy
- You understand how your past experiences have influenced your current emotional state
If most of your responses were yes to the bullet points above, then you’re likely emotionally available.
It takes guts and true self-awareness to turn the focus inward, and recognize, and accept that we could be contributing to relationship and friendship failures. Gaining self-awareness, practicing patience, and learning that being vulnerable is okay and a necessary component of healthier relationships are essential to your foundation of emotional availability.
How to Become Emotionally Available
If you feel like you struggle with or have difficulty expressing your true feelings or finding yourself stuck in previous negative patterns, you’re likely not emotionally available.
“How can I become emotionally available?” you ask…
Becoming emotionally available involves developing self-awareness, being vulnerable, and practicing open communication and empathy.
Oftentimes, men have more difficulty expressing emotional vulnerability than women do, because of societal expectations. Thankfully, this is changing, and honest, vulnerable expression is more common for everyone.
An excellent starting point is reflecting on your feelings and past experiences, romantic and platonic. Many people have personal emotional barriers, like past trauma, so everyone’s journey toward emotional availability is different but here are some things you can do to work on becoming emotionally available:
- Practice self-reflection: reflect on your emotions and feelings about past experiences and how you responded to them.
- Be honest with yourself: as you analyze, be completely honest and non-judgmental with yourself. None of us are perfect and we all make mistakes, give yourself grace and express kindness to your past self.
- Practice vulnerability: practice being vulnerable with a close friend, parent, or other family member you trust. Dive into more sensitive conversation topics and see how you feel. It may feel uncomfortable at first, especially if you´re not used to being so open, but remind yourself that you are opening up with someone you are already comfortable with.
- Reflect on past relationships: think about your past relationships and friendships. Did you feel supported and cared for? And in turn, were you supportive and caring?
- Take things slow in dating: take things slower in your dating life than you might have in the past. This will give you time to analyze how you feel throughout the process and time to reflect on the other person´s actions.
- Seek support: If you find these aspects very difficult, reach out to a professional for guidance. Discuss how your past experiences have affected your capacity for emotional availability. They may also have advice or suggestions you may not have previously considered.
You may be wondering:
Ok, how long does it take to become emotionally available?
There is no exact timeline for going from being emotionally unavailable to fully emotionally available. Everyone moves at their own pace when it comes to emotional availability. If there was a strict three-month limit and then suddenly, BOOM, you’re emotionally available, our lives would be a lot easier.
Be patient and kind to yourself as you continue on your journey toward emotional availability.
Emotional availability takes introspection and practice, it ebbs and flows throughout our lives but with patience, kindness, vulnerability, and honesty with yourself and those around you, you can have healthier and truly fulfilling relationships.
